Posted by Gilmour Poincaree on January 13, 2009


by Fred Hubner


Dear Mr. Medvedev

I hope you’re in good health, and my feelings are extensive to your entire family ME, THE GAS THIEF, including your pets, in case you do have them.

I know you’re a very reasonable man and, in a general way, extremely engaged in the defense and advancement of your country. I’m sure you must’ve heard of me and my inate penchant for stealing Russian gas. I know that this a very bad habit of mine, but you must understand: that’s how I manage to survive and thrive in this cruel and globalized capitalist economy. I have 6 kids, a wife, an Ukrainian concubine and two very demanding Russian lovers … I love the Russians … I really do … and most specially their natural gas, it smells like heaven in paradise. But I can’t help it … stealing Russian gas is all I’ve managed to learn in my entire life. I should’ve taken my grandma’s advices and embrace car thievery as my profession … but all those wires got me really confused. I tried computer hacking for awhile, but using an ax and a hammer ain’t exactly what’s needed to do it. So that’s it, now you know me. I’m not a bad guy and I’m pretty sure I could tell you some sordid jokes you’ve never heard of. Unfortunately, we don’t chose our destinies … we might be capable of changing it if we need too, but we can’t chose them. Our destinies are part of the original package. Of course I can pretty much figure that, being you a Marxist of some sort, all this talk is utter nonsense. Nevertheless, that’s how I perceive it. So, closing this short missive, I beg you … I implore … please, stop measuring the volume of gas pumped thru Ukraine. That’s pointless, I’m the thief … not them. Yeah, well, yeah I’m surely associated with some creepy Ukrainian public servants … but I’m the one stealing it … the creepy Ukrainians just arrange things a bit … they certainly have nothing to do with my criminal intents.

So, certain of your kind understanding, I bid you goodbye and a good night of sleep.


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